I've played thousands of games in my career as a professional gamer, and let me tell you, the virtual dating scene is WILD! While most of you normies are swiping on dating apps, I've been busy romancing everything from robots to literal death itself across the gaming multiverse. And boy, do I have stories to tell!

In my 15+ years of professional gaming, I've experienced it all - the good, the bad, and the downright UNHINGED romantic options that developers have thrown at us poor unsuspecting players. 2025 has brought some doozies too, but nothing compares to some of these classics that still haunt my dreams.

The "I Can Fix Him" Syndrome

Let me start with my most embarrassing confession - I spent 87 HOURS trying to reform Shane in Stardew Valley. EIGHTY-SEVEN! That's longer than most people spend on entire RPGs!

There I was, a professional gamer with tournament trophies, reduced to virtually stalking this pixelated alcoholic every day, handing him beers (which, in retrospect, probably wasn't helping his problem), and watching him spiral into depression. I convinced myself I could save him! Classic savior complex, am I right?

The worst part? I STILL replay that save file sometimes. Those blue chickens weren't worth my dignity, people! 😭

Metal Love: The Robot Affair

Then there was that time in Fallout: New Vegas when I... well... let's just say I got intimate with a robot named Fisto. IT WAS FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES, OKAY?!

Look, when you're 200 hours into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, your standards drop. WAY DOWN. The robot literally says "Please assume the position" and I... well... I assumed it. Multiple times. For science. The things I do for content creation! My Twitch chat has never let me live it down. Every stream, someone donates with the message "PLEASE ASSUME THE POSITION" and I die inside a little more.

Death by Snu-Snu

Mass Effect's Morinth has to be the most dangerous virtual date I've ever had. This blue alien seductress literally KILLS YOU during... intimate moments. And I, being the professional gamer who MUST experience all content, naturally had to see what would happen.

Spoiler alert: YOU DIE. Game over. No respawn. No second chances. Just Commander Shepard's brain hemorrhaging during what must have been the galaxy's most intense orgasm. Worth it? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But did I reload my save and do it again just to see if there were different death animations? You bet your sweet bippy I did! 🤦‍♂️

The Teacher-Student Disaster

Persona 5's Kawakami was perhaps my most problematic virtual relationship. As a 35-year-old man playing as a 17-year-old student romancing my teacher... yikes. The ethical implications hit me about 40 hours in, and I had a full existential crisis on stream.

"But she's just pixels!" I told myself. "It's just a game!" I rationalized. But then I realized my audience included impressionable teens who might think this was normal. So I did a whole educational stream about appropriate relationships and consent. My viewership dropped by 40% that day, but some things are more important than numbers!

Dating the Reaper Himself

The absolute PINNACLE of my unhinged virtual dating life came in The Sims, where I managed to romance the Grim Reaper. Yes, THAT Grim Reaper. With the hood and the scythe and everything!

I had to sacrifice multiple Sims to achieve this. ACTUAL DIGITAL MURDER to get Death to hang around long enough to flirt with him. What does this say about me psychologically? NOTHING GOOD, I ASSURE YOU. But I did it for the content, and my YouTube video "I Made Death My Boyfriend" has 12 million views, so who's the real winner here? (Still not me, my therapist says.)

The Tentacle Situation

Baldur's Gate 3 brought us the Emperor - a mind flayer that you can actually get intimate with. IN A DREAM SEQUENCE, THANKFULLY. But still!

I streamed this entire sequence to 50,000 live viewers. The chat went WILD. My mother was watching. MY MOTHER! She called me immediately after to ask if I needed to "talk about something." How do you explain to your mom that you're just a completionist gamer and NOT actually into tentacle situations? You can't. That's how.

The Skeleton in My Closet

Divinity 2 let me romance Fane, a literal walking skeleton. Not a zombie, not a ghost - a SKELETON. All bones, no flesh.

The logistics alone kept me up at night. How does that even work? Where does he... what do they... HOW? I spent an entire podcast episode debating this with other professional gamers. We got very technical. That episode got demonetized on YouTube. Apparently discussing skeleton romance violates community guidelines. WHO KNEW?

My Gaming Romance Future

As we look ahead to the rest of 2025 and beyond, I can only imagine what new romantic horrors await me. The upcoming neural interface games promise even more "immersive" romantic experiences. Will I be able to feel the cold embrace of the next virtual skeleton boyfriend? Will I experience the brain hemorrhage of alien seduction firsthand? GOD I HOPE NOT.

But as a professional gamer, it's my DUTY to explore these digital relationships, no matter how bizarre. Someone has to warn the masses! Someone has to experience these things so you don't have to! That someone is me, apparently.

My prediction? By 2026, we'll have full sensory feedback in our romance options, and I'll be the poor sap livestreaming my reaction to dating a sentient blockchain or whatever digital abomination the developers come up with next. And you'll all be watching, laughing at my pain. As you should.

In conclusion, remember kids: just because you CAN romance something in a game doesn't mean you SHOULD. Learn from my mistakes. Or don't. I'll be here either way, pursuing the next unhinged digital relationship for your entertainment.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to my Stardew Valley save. Shane might have relapsed, and I still think I can fix him! 🤪